Its JUST an outfit.

A thought was just waving in my mind from two days so thought to share it here. Again, an experience or a way of seeing things? Lets go!

Its the story of 2012, I was a sixth grade student then. My cousin's wedding was fixed that year in February.

"Wedding!!! What I am gonna wear that night!?!" I was just excited more about the dress which I was gonna wear that night than the wedding itself. Haha. 

"I will buy you a new one today." Listening to this heavenly statement made by mummi, I had begun flying in thoughts about all kinda dresses which were used to be in fashion at that time. What dress is mummi going to buy yaar sis, I am so excited for today!!! Yayyy!!! Hurrahh!!! Like every other kid, I too was so mad for the dress.

"Only I and your papa is going to market today. We all can't get in one bike now as all three of you have grown up." said mummi.

"Umm.. ok.. but.. ok leave.. but buy good dress haan.. do you know what you have to buy?.. I have to wear that in wedding.. it should be kinda wedding dress.. umm.. ok.. I trust you mummi.. more than that I trust your choice.." I was murmuring this all to mummi so that while buying any dress, she can at first recall whatever I have said to her. 

"All done sis, I have told mummi what kinda dress I want!!! And I know, she will buy the one of my choice. My god! I m so excited." I was saying this all to sister, in a way, was just showing my excitement in words to her.

At evening, mummi went to market and had come up with the set of dresses for us.

"Take, this one is yours." said mummi.

I very hastily took off the cover and very enthusiastically took out the dress from the pack. 

"What is this!?! What you have done mummi!! What you have brought!!!" This was the line of a girl with a broken heart. A dress which she hadn't even thought in her dreams that her mummi will buy that kinda dress for her.

"What do you mean by what is this girl? This is a dress and that's it.. moreover, its in fashion these days." said mummi in such a satisfying tone that it was seeming like she is gonna wear that dress, not me.

"Huh! Whatever! I am not gonna wear this at any cost.. moreover, you people and specially papa has prohibited me from wearing such kinda dresses.. you ruined my dreams mummi.. what I had thought and what you had come up with.. I am not gonna wear this.. no way.. what hell!" I was now feeling like crying. I am not made for dresses. I am not made for anything. God, where am I! Atleast you help me. This was all my immediate thoughts about that fitting jeans. That dress was actually very popular that time. I remember, the lower of the dress was upto my knees and the waist and bust were good fitted at the top.

"Ok, you don't wear then.. atleast have a try and see how you look in this!" Though I was nagging like a child for buying the new one, but I couldn't say no to mummi from trying that dress as she was so hopeful about that dress.

"I am trying.. nothing more I can do but about this dress than just trying it." was the tone of the desperate cum silly girl. 

"My goodness! You look gorgeous in this!!!" exclaimed mummi.

"Huh! I am unwearing this now, enough with this dress which is gonna be a topic of mock for the elders of our family!" said I angrily.

"Oh god! This girl! So you are afraid of your elders.. haha.. arey girl, time is changing now.. these things should not matter at present.. just chill my baby and wear this like you wear your other dresses." Till now, mummi had begun her preaching about all kinda fashionism, modernism, society and me. =_=

"Ok I will wear this in wedding." I said in a mild tone.

"That's my girl na." mummi was now happy. And I, don't ask. I was just thinking about what elders of my family i.e. grandpa, grandma will say.. do I really look good in that outfit? But I haven't weared such kinda dresses before! I knew, papa didn't say much about that dress coz he don't prefer going back to the shop and returning things, he hates doing so.. godd.. ok.. it was looking good but I wasn't that comfortable in that as I normally am in my other dresses.. gosh! Why these outfits aren't just outfits my god! Why so much thinking about a mere dress! Seems like, this isn't a dress only, but my future depends on it.. huh.. Thinking this all, I fall asleep that day.

Next day, my grandpa came. He just came to meet us. Mummi told me to wear that dress and show to him as well. I wore and he just said girls aren't allowed to wear such kinda dress in our family. Moreover, this dress doesn't suit you. =_=

Then he just told me to come with him to market right then and he will show us how to buy decent dresses. 

We went. Come up with a nice set of frock suit(a sort of salwar suit). I wore the dress in the wedding as well. Mummi was little upset as her preferred dress was returned and so do I for her. But I, at that time was more glad with my that pretty dress than being sad for mummi.

Days passed.

Now at present, I just don't stick with any kinda dresses. Whatever kinda dress mummi brings for me, I wear that without being hesitant. Seems like, I now have grown up into not that conservative one like the elder ones of my family. Haha. Thanks to mummi for inbuilting such good thinkings in me. And thanks to my studies as well. 

"You know, a new tenant has come few days back. She is a nice pretty girl with a good attitude. A working girl she is. And my gorgeous, she is beautiful like none other! And when she walks, it seems like a heroine(actress) is passing by. And the dresses she wear, are just as faishonable as the dresses of Alia Bhatt. She wear jeans, pajamas, and all such kinda professional dresses." remarked my grandpa while sipping tea day before yesterday!!!

"Whatever so, you my dear one, look good in normal dresses(traditional dresses according to him)only being the eldest grandchild of our family." is the statement of my same grandpa everytime he sees me. =_=

Is he being hypocrite? Why outfits aren't just outfits? Outfits seem more like one's religion to me with a strong belief attached to it than just being outfits.

Thanks a lot for reading. And a very Happy New Year 2021. :)

 

Marriage: An ultimate goal of life?¿

Disclaimer: This is not kinda typical blog. Its just all about my experiences. So, happy reading. 

"Baby, you will be adored the same way on your wedding the way this bride is." was said by one of my elder sister in a wedding I had attended. I was a five year old girl then with lots of imaginations. As she said this, I began imagining, wow.. the day when I will be glorified the same way this bride is.. I will have all the attention of the people and unlike now, I will be sitting on that grand chair and will be photographed.. amazing!!! My eyes shined. I began imagining my own wedding in the shahnais of that wedding which was passing through my ears while I was thinking all this.

Days passed.

I exactly don't remember the day now when the movie, Rab ne bana di jodi was released. That day, I with my family, had gone to theatre to watch that movie. And finally, the scene came which was awaited by all, their marriage! The couple were married and the leading actress in that movie was living very simple life after marriage too. That striked my childish mind! Wow.. after marriage, girl can be without jewellary.. the way you want to be.. its not a compulsion that you have to wear heavy jewellary. Great! What all is needed then! You can be the way you want to be.

Days passed.

"Arey girl, leave that, why you don't simply understand the things the way it is!!" was said by my mother and till now I was in class eighth."But mummi, its hurting you, see, you have got scars too in your feets, unwear it na! Otherwise that wound will not get cured well unless you remove those." I was talking about the foot rings that were lying in my mother's feets from the time I was in her lap. "No girl, this is pious, even you too have to wear it once you get married.. this is a sign of a married woman.. this is her pride.. I will apply ointment on the wound there and it will be fine, and you too learn these things now being a girl." 

"Ok fine na." Said the girl, me. 

So you can't be the way at all after marriage. Ok, we should follow the traditions, said the inner voice of the girl who was full of imaginations. The dreams of that girl that were earlier you can be anyway the way you want to be after marriage got shattered in a moment. I got to know that day, movies and realities are really like earth and sky, so much of difference.

Days passed.

I was in class tenth now. In classes, the jokes related to sex, marriage, girlfriends, boyfriends, reproduction, babies, etc. were more loudly cracked by our genius classmates than the lectures of teachers who used to speak in so low tone.(I know that hormones are at peak at that age but not your senses atleast.) Period. =_=

"Hey! When are you giving feast girl!?"

"Feast, about what but?"

"About your marriage." One of my classmates asked this to me when we were just aimlessly walking in the school lawn.

"Oh that! Well, I too donno anything about that." I said promptly.

"Are yaar, what are your plans then after marriage!?"

I knew that she was just casually saying all this, just having fun, so I too was saying everything in a light manner. 

"Not thought about marriage yet." Said I.

"And about kids and family?" She asked laughingly.

"Babies, its a painful process for a girl!!! So I have not thought anything regarding that and as you are talking about family, then we are taught na Vasudev Kutumbakam, so the entire earth is our family." This was the most satisfactory reply from my side till now.

After a few minutes silence, the group of girls bursted into loud laugh.

"Shit! I made my own joke." This was me shouting inside me against me.

At night, I began thinking of all those incidents happened with me. I was like, its ok, I didn't say anything wrong. One will not die without marriage afterall. Of course, one needs a partner for emotional security, intimacy, now you can't do intercourse with a running street dog afterall! Damn! Some still do for experience. Their choice. =_=

Next day I went to school and the same girl asked, "Don't you need someone who can understand you better than you?" 

There was a silence inside me. A deep silence. A silence inside both heart and mind. That whole day I remained in that thought, in that deep silence amidst those loud noises in class. That silence remained till I was in 12th. Do I really need someone who can hold my hands till my last breath or till his last breath or both simultaneously!? Do I really need emotional security? Do I really need those couply cozy cuddles, hugs, kisses and all!? Oh my god! I am in mess now!!!

And now I have a answer for that too, though I am not describing here from where I got the answer but just the answer is: Look deeply into your nature and you will find that you don't need anyone to live with whether emotionally or physically. It all begins from you and ends at you. Atlast, you will left with the memories only of your partner. Those are sweet ones but later hurts too when they leave you forever, when the death arrives. 

And now when anyone asks me that don't you want to marry and have your own family!? I smile and say, isn't my passion my partner and the entire world my family! The orphange kids, the poors without blanket in chilly winters, the kids roaming on roads without slippers, the old aged people who are left out, the children of slum areas, and a lot more I can count of! Aren't they my family! Such a big family I have. And when you have such a big family then why will you go in such complex process of marriage for just getting your own blood family! Blood and without blood are just created by us and that's it. So why making marriage as an ultimate goal of life after attaining all your goals? Widen your horizon and you will be surrounded by a sweet and happy family which is made of your own. Your passion, your nature and your very being.

Hope you enjoyed the way I enjoyed while jotting down my experiences. ^_^

Thank you for reading :)

LOVE♡

So, my favourite topic love! From our early childhood, we are quite familiar with this word, and as as soon as we grow older we get more and more perplexed in this and here starts the journey of exploring love as from childhood, the only thing we know is that we 'know' this epic word! We are never told that what does this great word actually mean, though we all know that its a great thing. So, as we already 'know' this word, then, our journey of exploring it too begin as soon as we enter in our puberty phase. So, here, I am sharing my own exploration on this epic word. An accumulation of personal experiences through readings, learnings and observing.

That journey started visually first. Love is mutual bonding. I learned this from watching movies, serials and by seeing couples. Then, I believed it too. Gradually, I found that there is no any sort of mutual bonding between me and my parents, which then had meant for me that I don't love them, neither they do. And so on I applied this for everyone who was then with me that time.

Time passed.

Again a phase came in life, puberty phase, and, that definition of love changed again! I got to know that love is nothing but an emotional attachment. Well, I found this definition quite suitable than before. And, hence, I accordingly, followed it happily.

But, WAIT! 

For the first time then I had felt a major hurt. And that hurt prevailed for a longer time as I was not concern that this emotional attachment leads to hurt as well! So, then, I come to know about this word "ATTACHMENT":

Attachment=expectation=happiness/hurt=

positive/negative energies or feelings.

It gives happiness when expectation meets, and gives hurt, when it doesn't.

But, still, I was confused that how this much great word Love can give hurt! 

Time passed.

Started exploring spirituality. 

Started exploring I.

Started exploring love.

Got to know, 

Love doesn't possess the two aspects i.e. hurt+happiness like that of attachment. It has only one aspect, that is happiness as love is acceptation, not expectation. Its bliss, its singularity. ❤

Its you. ❤

Its me. ❤

And, from then only, I never tried to find love outside.